Let go, because nothing stays the same

So I came to her. Accusing her of a bunch of shit that I still am not sure if its true or not. Told her that her ex is running his mouth about her, and all his friends were calling her a slut. They all had some what credible stories. So I sat there, and listened before I started throwing hands. The girl they were all jabbering about is the girl that I have been seeing, and sleeping with. So I sit. I wait. I listen more to decipher what I know is bullshit, and then I leave hands clenched, brow sweaty. I maintained composure, and kept my cool. I told her everything I heard. She of course told me what I “wanted” to hear. She can’t “handle” what I’m telling her, and she won’t ever realize that I’m right in front of her willing to be that everything to her. She just spent another night lying, or crying herself to sleep. So I can’t help?! I try to be honest. I try to protect her.

Then what you ask. She goes to her fucking ex, and all his friends to call them out on what they had all said. Throwing my name around making me look like this liar, or punk. I get my phone blown up this morning, and a text from her ex saying “So what exactly did I say?”

So I debate. Than I snap into reality, and I don’t owe this fucking piece of shit of a man any explanation, or the time of day to send him a text message. Fuck that guy. He hurt her, and she runs right back to him. She’ll learn one day, but I sure as fuck won’t be around when she does.

Fuck that. At least the sex was good….

My boy Creal has been running this pizza food truck outside of the DeKalb County Farmer’s Market.He just recently got a new job, and has been wanting to go full time on this catering gig. I spoke with his boss today. I might have lucked out, and got the job. I would love nothing more than cooking solo in a truck! His boss said word for word “I’m guessing since Creal has mentioned your name multiple times when we smoke that you’re the guy he gets this crazy bud from that you’ll be wanting to smoke, and maybe drink a little. That is perfectly fine with me man. Just bring me whatever I can get for $60 bucks and we’ll have a talk about pay, and hours.” 

So this guy already likes me! Hahaha I would love to be back in east Atlanta working the food scene. I also have interviews at the Hudson Grille, a construction company in Smyrna, a concrete cutting company in bumblefuck, and another Johnny’s. I have applications for Castrol, Big10 Tire Co., Autozone, and Pizza Huts.. The opportunities are out there I just have to go grab em’! I’ve been really depressed lately, but maybe I just need a change of scenery. Once I get this new job shit settled I am going to push myself to further my education. It is time to get up beat, wiser, and just all around happier!

I’ll take that misconception of emotion onto myself thank you. At least than I can be left with some feeling.

I hate the fact that I want this love from another, and that every person I find myself getting close to running. I guess it has to do with my self loathing, and my youth. I can’t count how many more times I’ve been hit by my parents than I’ve been hugged or kissed. I’m getting older, and deeper into my rut. I dig myself out when I find someone worth committing to, and once I fuck it up or they leave I get back into it and dig myself deeper. I can’t say I wish I wasn’t who I am, because I do love myself. I just get morose to point of self hate, and instead of harming myself I unintentionally harm myself with my actions, and words. I like pushing people away, because I am used to “losing love.” I am to blame, and I need to fix me, but I accept who I am. I am a good person. I have lived by my code, and I choose not to break it for anyone. Is this enlightenment or is this being lost?! Is there even a difference?! I think life, even til’ the moment of death is that no person is truly happy, truly sad, or content with what they are, were, or become. Life is a series of checks and balances that always wind up being the high or low of how the mind interprets all situations, actions, consequences, kisses, punches, downs, outs, ups, downs, addiction, chalk drawings, food choice, color preference. The mind makes these decisions, and my body gives off the emotion behind them. I might be rambling, and out of my shit all the time, but I want some substance in life. I want to be able to wake up to the same beautiful girl every morning that I may never find, I want to make differences that I may never make, I want to succeed even if I’m destined to fail, I want to cry tears that never meant to fall, I want to live a life I may have never meant to live…

I don’t explain why I’m in a bad mood ever, I don’t ever ask for help, I don’t let people put me down. I push the ones I love out, and I constantly tell myself I do everything for others, but I use my angst, mistrust, and worry to push myself. That’s why I can say I did all of this, and made all this on my own.

So suck my dick!

So today will be an acoustic (taking back sunday, Hank III, Mountain Goats) kind of day. I need to fix my Grand Prix, make more codeine drinks, cut my hair, and clean house. Shit is getting in motion for this fuck. I’m excited, scared, and ready for something. I mean whatever. I get high off not knowing and losing sight. So when I learn, and see what I need it gets me that much more up. I want to be that midget on a stilts that keeping growing.

Slick Rick and I would get along great.

Mad blunts, gold chains, and Kangols.

Sometimes you find what you want, and you can’t have it.
Sometimes you find what you can’t have no matter how much you want it.
Sometimes no matter what you want you can’t have.
Sometimes you find whatever you want and take it.
Sometimes you take whatever you find.
Sometimes you find what you have taken like a heart, and can’t figure out how to keep it close to yours.. You realize it is what you want, but you know it’s not what is perfect. Perfection is an essence of love that you put together in your head like a puzzle with all pieces scrambled. You feel like they are all in place for this majestic game you want to play. No matter how hard you try not all the pieces will fall in place. You’ll have struggles and you will get fed up with it. Once you finish and see what you have you will either love it or hate it. It is up to your own ego and embrace to decide. Love is a thought that comes to early without judgement.
Once you start putting the pieces of the puzzle together you either learn to love it more, or hate the fact that you even started…

I feel like shit and I can’t do anything to help him… I’ve done so much for him and this is the one time I can’t step up and even think of shit to say to him.

before I wreck myself.

you thought was one of your best friends…